Where to Begin…

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Life is funny isn’t it. One minute you’ll be crusin’ along Hollywood Blvd… and the next minute you’re in a hole dug to China with only a plastic spoon, and that crazy ass squirrel from next door.

Today I found out my Bakers Cyst from 10 years ago is back. We are waiting until Monday afternoon to hear from my Ortho doctor what the game plan is… but *insert vomit face emoji here* in the meantime. For those of you who don’t know, I fought a cyst the literal size of an orange in my knee for over a year. Two surgeries. Multiple doctors. Countless drains. Crutches. Braces. Icepacks. Physical Therapists appointments everyday for over a year.

To say that was one of the worst times of my life would be an understatement.

And please don’t get me wrong, I KNOW it could be WAY worse… but this is MY personal battle… one I’ve struggled with through the worst years of middle school. Where kids made fun of me for trying to wear a skirt with a full leg brace, where I never seemed to fit in, always slipped on wet floors with crutches, and one where I was threatened with a continuous drain on the outside of my knee, in arguably the most vulnerable years of school.

To face that battle again… but with three kids, a thriving business, and be the responsible party for all the bills makes me ill. Drinking a beer before noon never sounded better than it does today friends…

CHEERS.

Trying to process through all the events of the past year (2016) makes me weary, but in a wounded sense… strong. Ryan and I have fought through thick and thin for our marriage, and for each other. We’ve had tables turned against us on more than one occasion, and both become self employed business owners, which has it’s own struggles for every family. We’ve navigated super shady waters with family, and yet the #dubayfamilyoffive are still here.

Still are pressing on – kicking ass. Still building a legacy for our children, and future grandchildren. Showing our kids first-hand what it means to work hard, and love hard. To fight for what you believe in, and never give up on the things that bring you joy. We’ve eaten Top Ramen for dinner, and Salmon. Took date nights in – and date nights out. Sacrifices have been plentiful, and so have the fruits too.

It’s hard not to get discouraged when you work so hard for a system you’ll stay broke in, the USA makes being self-employed next to near impossible. It’s hard to suck up health insurance when the premiums are more than your vehicle payment… especially when your husband needs + deserves a new truck. It’s hard to be an American this day and age when everyone treats the election like the next season of “American Idol”. Friends, I can’t wait until November 8th is over – yeah?! #johnwayneforpresident

Maintaining a positive attitude has been difficult. My patience seems to be tested at every corner – and yet… somehow God turns decay into beauty. Business has been absolutely phenomenal… and I don’t have anyone else to thank but YOU guys!! I know many of you think I make it look easy, like I have my ducks in a row and things over in my realm are sugar and fairies… but it’s about to get real.

I have been surviving.

Surviving while Ryan is at this killer clients job for 12 hours a day, stumbling through motherhood and business owning like a blind rat in a maze full of cats. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and made them right again. Survival mode with three kids looks a lot like “oh sweetie, don’t climb on the counters with your bare bum AGAIN (why are my kids always naked?!) – and eat all of the marshmallows from last summer… or do – because ya know, I just don’t care anymore.”

A lot of you have asked how I do it all… here’s my tip ya ready?!

I don’t.

I don’t do motherhood how I truly deep down wish. How society thinks I should raise. How I always dreamed of molding my kids with art, Jesus, and a lot of love. There’s plenty of chaos here, plenty of “I’ll clean that up later, whatever…”s said. But friends, YOU DO YOU. The best way you know how… and if for a full year that’s surviving, or the next year it’s thriving – you’re still an incredible Mother. A cherished Friend. Not the could be, should be wife your evil conscious tells you.

Wow. I’ve spewed a lot into this small blog post, eeekkk. Okay, long story short:

Your identity isn’t tied with your struggles, failures, or mishaps. It isn’t tied with the bank account or what the internet says…”

It’s tied with God, and with YOU and YOU alone.

Maybe I’m really starting to ramble (2 beers in)  – but friends. I’m weak too. I’m hurt, and down. I take depression meds because I was about to eat my kids on a daily. I do things I’m not proud of… so please, don’t view my pretty pictures and sentimental words as my “normal” life. My normal is straight chaos mixed with a dose of cocaine (even though I’ve literally never done cocaine! hah) – It’s jacked. and I want you to know…

You’re beautiful. You’re doing this mama thing right. Stop looking to articles and likes for acceptance. You are a wonderful wife, a loving friend. You are all YOUR family needs – and in the end that’s ALL that matters.

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Comments

  1. this was perfect. we all have a deeper story than our photos and words sometimes share. demons. darkness. and also that fight for light. i had a rough year with my health and rambled to someone at work that i shouldn’t complain as people deal with much worse. she replied that doesn’t make what i am coping with any easier or less real. it helped to know that my hard times were just that and i can own feeling shit and sad and not always facing the day the way i wish i could. rambling and no beer here! nice to meet you. x ashley

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